Sarah Mackenzie (00:00):

Why do we make things mean what they don’t actually mean? We all do it. We realize a kid doesn’t know how to tie their shoes at age 12, and we tell ourselves, “We’re forgetting to teach so many important things.” We feed our kids frozen pizza for dinner a couple of times in a week and we think it means we don’t care about their health. We sleep late. We tell ourselves we’re lazy. We have a late reader? We think it means we’re not good at this teaching reading thing. Or we have a kid who complains about their school work or their chores and we tell ourselves it means we’re raising ungrateful entitled children. We make things mean what they don’t mean all the time. And today? Today we’re going to talk about it.

(00:50):

Welcome, I’m Sarah Mackenzie and you’ve got Episode 225 of The Read-Aloud Revival, the show that helps you fall in love with your ordinary, bookish, homeschool life.

(01:05):

Today’s episode is a little different than normal. I wanted to share something we’ve been talking about in Circle with Sarah, which is our homeschool coaching program in RAR Premium. If you don’t know about Circle with Sarah already, Circle with Sarah is a weekly podcast for Read-Aloud Revival Premium members. Maybe you didn’t know that this isn’t, Read-Aloud Revival here, that you’re listening to right now, it’s not the only podcast of mine. I actually release a weekly podcast called Circle with Sarah that shows up in your podcast player right next to where Read-Aloud Revival does for everybody who’s a RAR Premium member. And in that weekly podcast, we talk homeschooling. It’s a podcast that drops a tiny bit of coaching and encouragement into your ears every Monday morning, to buoy you up for the week and help you teach from rest.

(01:56):

I recently did a couple of episodes on why we need to keep data in it’s place in our homeschool, why it’s important for us not to make things mean what they don’t mean. But I wanted you to hear it here on Read-Aloud Revival too, so I’m sharing two episodes with you here today. I really hope you enjoy them. And if you do, I hope you’ll join us for more episodes just like this by coming on in to rarpremium.com. For now, enjoy the show.

(02:30):

Welcome to Circle with Sarah, RAR Premium Homeschool Coaching, where we become the peace-filled joyful mamas we’re called to be. I’m your coach, Sarah Mackenzie.

(02:49):

Something came up at a recent Circle with Sarah live that got me thinking. We were talking about journaling for homeschooling mamas, how to do it, when to do it, how to be consistent with it, all those details. And sort of in passing I mentioned a particular method of journaling that came really in handy for me, when my three youngest babies were born and I was totally in the thick of things. So for the record, I had a 12 year old, 10 year old, 8 year old, 1 year old and twin newborns. To say live was busy is sort of an understatement. And so I developed a habit of writing a line in my journal about each of my kids at the end of the day. Now a couple of things I want to point out about this. When I say I developed a habit, what I mean is a few times a week, when I remembered to do it, I scrawled a tired line, or even just a word, next to each of my older kids names. I did not do this every day. 

(03:50):

And this is also something we talked about at that same Circle with Sarah live, that a few times a week is a habit. You don’t have to do something every day for it to count. Laura Vanderkam spells this out in her book Tranquility by Tuesday, which I recommend. But this is something we’ve been saying here at Read-Aloud Revival for years, that if you don’t read aloud everyday, even if you just do it every other day for maybe 10 minutes, that’s 30 hours over the course of a year, and that’s a lot of reading aloud. That’s a read aloud habit and it’s not every day. A few times a week is a habit.

(04:24):

So anyway, I did this very quick note in my journal about each one of my kids a few times a week. And I don’t mean I wrote a full sentence. I mean I might have written a word, something funny they said, something they got frustrated by. I might have said, “Audrey loved chicken nuggets today. I might have said, “Drew did a terrible job at his chores today.” I mean it could be something big or small. It could have been like, “Oh, I loved it when they snuggled up to me.” Or, “Gosh, I need to make sure I get the kids to bed on time, because they seemed extra cranky today.” The point was not what I was writing down, the point was that doing this, writing something down about each of my big kids, made me stop and think about each of them. 

(05:05):

And this was a time in my life when it was really very easy for one or multiple of my kids to sort of slip under the radar. Especially my introverted one, the one who more often retreats to her room and flies under the radar. So I would shovel myself into bed at the end of the day, and pull out this little journal I kept in my nightstand, and I would just write, “Audrey,” and I’d write something quick about her, “Alison,” write something quick, “Drew”, write something quick. But by the third time in a row that I really couldn’t think of much of anything to write about Alison, I would realize, “Huh. Maybe I need to connect with her. I guess I haven’t connected with her. I mean, I’ve been so busy all day. I’ve never stopped moving today.” It was really easy to imagine that I was doing the best I could. Actually I wasn’t imagining it, I was doing the best I could. This was just data. This fact that I could not think of something to write about Alison, is data that said, “Hey, maybe tomorrow ask her what she’s been up to, what she’s thinking about, what she’s drawing, a book she’s been reading.” Just take a second to look into her eyes, to give her a hug.

(06:17):

But, I think this is where things could have gone south as well, because I could have noticed, I could have shoveled myself into bed at the end of the day and tried to write a word or a phrase or a sentence about each of my kids, realized I didn’t have anything to write about Alison, and then thought, “I’m a horrible mother. I cannot even connect with my children and I’m literally home all day with them. How can I possibly homeschool them well if this is how things are going? I’m failing her, I’m failing them. Everyone was probably right when they said I couldn’t homeschool well with three babies.” I could have gone down that trail, very easily.

(06:56):

So then what really was just data, or like a little flag that goes, “Hey, heads up here. You can’t really think of anything you’ve connected with Alison over for the last few days, so maybe try and connect with her tomorrow,” instead it could have become like a whip for me to beat myself with. I actually think we do this to ourselves a lot. We take what could just be data or information, and we make it mean something it doesn’t mean. I mean if I’m honest, this is actually what happens every time I step on a scale. I see a number and then I have to remind myself, “It’s just a number. This is data. This number doesn’t mean anything about my value or my worth or how good of a person I am. It’s just data and it tells me one thing, how much my body weighs, in space, at the moment.” 

(07:41):

The moment that I notice that I can’t think of a single thing to write about a particular child, that’s just data. It doesn’t mean anything about my value or my worth or how good of a mother I am. It’s just a bit of information and it lets me know what to do next. I wonder if you do this too? I wonder where you might be using what could just be data or information and maybe you’re making it mean something it doesn’t mean. Because you are of tremendous value and worth. Otherwise, Christ would not have died for you. And no one piece of information, like, “I don’t even know what this kid ate for lunch today, let alone whether she’s struggling in math or is getting her reading time in or is feeling lonely,” no single piece of information means you’re not a good mother. It means, hey, you might want to check in. It’s data.

(08:35):

This week try to notice where you might be assigning meaning to what is just data. Don’t let that data become a whip. Don’t use it against yourself. Don’t make it mean things it doesn’t mean. For now just notice, “Oh, hey, I was making that thing, that data, mean something it didn’t mean, and it’s actually just some useful information that can help me know where to look next, where to put my focus next. Just for fun, in these show notes, I’m going to put a picture of that child of mine, Alison, whom I needed to work extra hard to connect to, because it was easy for her to slip under my radar. I’m going to put a picture of her here with the babies that were responsible for absorbing so much of that time and energy, were a lot of the reason why I had a hard time connecting with her. Because that girl, believe it or not, is now 19 years old and she’s at art school way across the country from us. And just this last Valentine’s Day, in the mail we got a little surprise package and from college she got her self some art supplies and she made a Valentine’s card for each of those younger kids, customized with their favorite animals that she drew. Sheep for Beckett, cats for Emerson, unicorns for Clara and a little message about how she loves and misses them.

(09:52):

So I’m really glad I didn’t tell myself the story that I was a terrible mother to her during those years. I’m really glad I didn’t make that data mean something it doesn’t mean. I would have missed a lot of peace, peace that transcends all understanding, if I had made those moments mean something they didn’t mean. And now of course, with the gift of perspective nearly a decade later, I can see it all a lot more clearly. Sometimes we need a bit of data to let us know where to put our attention next. I needed the data, I needed the data of, “I don’t know what to write about this kid,” to help me know, “Hey, you need to connect with this kid tomorrow. You want to connect with this kid tomorrow.” But let’s not make it mean something it doesn’t. You and your kids, they’re of immeasurable value to the God who made them, to the Savior who died for them. He loves them more than you do, He’s watching over them better than you ever could. And you are here right now, listening to this episode. There’s a reason for that. 

(10:57):

This week, just think about it, just notice it. Where might you be using data as a whip? Where might you be assigning meaning, making it mean something it doesn’t mean?

(11:15):

Okay, so that was one episode of the Circle with Sarah Podcast. And one thing about our coaching program is that we never like to leave things in a just thinking about them way. it’s really easy, I think, in today’s world to take in a lot of information. We hear podcasts or watch videos or read articles or hear things and then we don’t actually make it practical so it can change our day to day lives for the better. So what happens to me is I hear a lot of, let’s say, podcasts, or I’ve read a lot of articles, or I go to a conference and I hear a bunch of speakers talk about things, and then I know all the things I should be be doing, but I’m not doing them, and so then I have this tension. And it causes anxiety between what I know I should be doing and what I’m doing.

(12:00):

So with every episode like the one you just heard, we follow that up with an episode where we put our boots on the ground so to speak. So I want to play that one for you too, because this is the follow up episode for you. This is on how to know what your data is actually telling you, so that you don’t just make it mean things it doesn’t mean. Oh, by the way, you want to grab a pen and a notebook for this next part, or you can just open the notes app on your phone, because you’re going to need to write a couple of tiny things down. Okay, here we go.

(12:37):

Last week we talked about the tendency many of us have, to take what should otherwise just be data, and make it mean something it doesn’t mean. Do you remember? I told you about when I would sometimes write a line or a few words about each of my big kids in those hectic days of having three school age kids to homeschool and also three babies age one and under. So one of the things I did a couple of times a week is jot down a word or a phrase about each of my kids. Now what I wrote down was not at all important. It was not the point. The benefit actually came from me just seeing if I could think of something to write down for each of my kids. And one of my kids in particular, the quieter, more contemplative, introverted one, would be harder for me. And by the third or fourth time I realized I had to work really hard to think of something to write down about her, that was data. I would realize, “Oh, hey, this is useful information. This means tomorrow I might want to take a second to start a conversation with her, even if it’s just about something menial, something of no importance. 

(13:45):

But it’s so easy to take information like that, to take data like, “I can’t think of anything about this particular child that I’ve connected with her over the last couple of days,” and make it mean something it doesn’t mean, like, “I’m a horrible mother. I’m failing her. I can’t handle this.” We do this in many areas of our lives, with all kinds of things that really should just be data. So for example, what does it mean if you’re child gets half their math lesson wrong? Does it mean they’re dumb? Does it mean you’re using a terrible curriculum? Does it mean you’re failing? Does it mean this child will never excel in math? No. It doesn’t mean any of those things. It’s data and it tells you, “Hey, this student is not ready to move on to the next lesson yet.” That is all that it tells you. And that’s really useful data, because know you can go, “Okay. Now I know what to focus on next.” Data just helps us know where to point our flashlight.

(14:41):

When we assign other meanings to it, we turn data into a whip. And we start to feel terrible about ourselves. How about the data you gather, maybe you go to the library and your child fails to hold the door open for an elderly person coming behind you? Or maybe you’re at co-op and one of your kids is sassy at one of the teachers or does something else that really embarrasses you, some other behavior? Does it mean you’re failing? Or that your child will grow up to be a heartless felon? Or that your homeschool is obviously not working? Of course it doesn’t. It just means, “Oh, hey, time to revisit that idea of holding doors open for others,” or of respecting your elders or being kind or whatever the thing is. It’s just a flashlight. It’s data that says, “Hey, here’s where you can put some attention next.” We want to be careful to keep data in it’s place and not to assign some overarching meaning to it that it doesn’t deserve and it doesn’t warrant.

(15:45):

So grab a pen and your notebook, or open up a fresh note on your phone, and then consider this. Where might you be assigning meaning to what is otherwise just data in your homeschooling or your parenting? An easy way to identify this, by the way, is just to consider where you feel like you’re failing, because wherever you feel like you’re failing often points us in the direction of where we’re making data mean something it doesn’t mean. So I’m going to give you about a minute. Here’s some music. For the next minute or so, consider where might you be assigning meaning to what is otherwise just data?

(17:25):

Now, choose one of those areas that you just wrote down, one of those areas where you’re tending to assign meaning to something that should just be data, and then write down two things. What does the data actually tell you? And what are you making it mean? So for example, if I was writing down that I notice I have nothing to write about one of my kids, when I do a little bit of journaling every few nights, that data is telling me that I might want to make an effort to connect with her, like maybe when she’s doing her chores, I might just want to sidle up next to her and start a little conversation with her. That’s what the data’s telling me, that I might want to connect with a certain child, make more purposeful attempts to connect with a certain child who is kind of slipping under the radar. That’s what the data’s telling me. 

(18:21):

What am I making it mean? Well, in this case, I’m making it mean that I’m not cut out for this, that I’m failing her as her homeschooling mother. Simply doing this exercise and making yourself think through, “What is it telling me and what am I making it mean?” And realizing those are two completely different things, it can go a very long way in helping us gain peace and clarity and, yes, rest as homeschooling mothers. So for the next minute, I want you to ask yourself what is the data telling you and what are you making it mean? Here’s some music.

[NEW_PARAGRAPH]I hope this gives you a little bit of peace and clarity about the things that you feel like you’re failing in. He promised us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and this is part of what He meant, I think. Because if we make His easy yoke and His light burden mean things they were never meant to mean, well then it all feels very heavy, doesn’t it? 

(20:33):

Remember, you’ve got everything you need to teach with peace that transcends all understanding. You were made for such a time and such kids as this. I’m praying for you.

(20:56):

Was that useful for you? I really hope so. We shared this, like I said, on our Circle with Sarah Podcast for RAR Premium members, and I thought, “You know what? I am going to play these on the Read-Aloud Revival,” because I think we all do this. We all make things mean what they don’t mean, and it’s so much more helpful if we can get really clear on what our data is actually telling us.

(21:18):

In RAR Premium, we are razor focused on helping you fall more in love with your ordinary, bookish life. I don’t believe you need an expert, you don’t need a new curriculum, you don’t need a change of circumstances, you don’t need more or different of anything, really, to love your homeschool life more. I think you can fall more in love with your homeschooling life just as it is right now. If you’re at home when you’re listening this, look up around you. Is your house a mess? Are there dishes in the sink? Is the baby crying? Are there toys scattered on the floor? Is there half a homeschool week’s worth of papers everywhere around you? Or maybe you’re running around in the car, or you’re taking a walk, or you’re doing the laundry right now. This life you’re living right now is the life that I want you to fall in love with. It’s the life that He has given you. And it’s everything you need to teach from rest and to experience that peace that transcends all understanding. You have it right now. No expert required, no new curriculum, no color coded chart. It’s not like there’s some magic bullet out there that’s going to turn you into a confident homeschooler. You got everything you need right now, for that life you are living right now, which I can almost guarantee looks nothing like an Instagram feed.

(22:37):

If you enjoyed this episode today, I invite you to join us in RAR Premium. I send out a weekly episode, like I mentioned, just like these, these are two episodes that just recently went out our members, every Monday morning. And that podcast shows up right where you listen to Read-Aloud Revival, so it’s very easy to listen too. The episodes are short, they’re about 10 minutes or so, and they help you get your week off to a start that’s intentional and reminds you of who you serve and what we’re really doing here and that the life that you’re actually living, the one that’s unfolding in front of you, is the one you’re supposed to be living. You can join us at rarpremium.com. You can also just text my name, Sarah, S-A-R-A-H, to the number 33777 and I’ll send you a link to join us. I hope you do.

(23:29):

Now, let’s hear from the kids. What are Read-Aloud Revival listener’s kids reading lately?

Natty (23:41):

Hi, mister. My name is Natty. I’m lives in Kokomo, Indiana. My favorite book is Long Winter by Laura Ingalls Wild, because Laura is older than me. Did I say I’m 14? I’m 14. I like listening to your podcast and hearing your voice. Thank you. Bye.

Charlie (24:08):

Hi, my name is Charlie. I live in Georgia. I’m 12 years old and I recommend The Mysterious Benedict Society because it has lots of puzzles and plot twists.

Ed (24:20):

Hi, my name is Ed and I’m from Georgia. I’m 8 years old and the book that I recommend is Caventino. I recommend it because I like it because it is about a filmous illusionist and there is magic.

May (24:37):

Hello, my name is May. I live in Georgia and I am 11 years old. I would like to recommend the Survivor’s Series by Erin Hunter. It’s about these dogs who are trying to survive in a dystopian world.

Zeke (24:57):

Hello, my name is Zeke. I am the age of 7 years old. I live in Ohio. I like the Boxcar Children’s series because there are lots of mysteries and the Boxcar Children have to figure the mysteries out and if there’s a bad guy the Boxcar Children get the bad guy.

Jane. (25:24):

Hello. My name is Jane and I want to tell about the Sweet Competition. 

Speaker 8 (25:33):

Wait, hold on. Where are you from?

Jane. (25:35):

Yeah. I’m from Ohio.

Speaker 8 (25:38):

And how old are you?

Jane. (25:39):

I’m four.

Speaker 8 (25:41):

Okay. So what’s this book?

Jane. (25:44):

The Sweet Competition. First I want to tell you about the Cherry twins one. Always, he’s trying to make things a competition. Not only does it have a boy Cherry, but it also has a girl Cherry. And she picked vanilla ice cream. But that’s not the only thing I like. I like that how the Cherry twins won.

Speaker 8 (26:10):

The Cherry twins win the competition together?

Jane. (26:15):

Yep.

Sarah Mackenzie (26:18):

Thank you kids. Do not forget. You can get the weekly Circle with Sarah Podcast yourself and fall more in love with your ordinary bookish homeschool by joining us at rarpremium.com or you can text my name, Sarah, S-A-R-A-H, to the number 33777 and I’ll send you a link to join us. 

(26:40):

I’ll be back in a couple of weeks here on Read-Aloud Revival. In the meantime, you know what to do. Go make meaningful and lasting connections with your kids through books.