5 Things to Know About Yourself, Extroverted Homeschooling Mama
Sometimes I wish I was introverted- quieter, more contemplative, moving through my day with purpose and quiet fortitude. By contrast, I tend to fire before I aim, start talking before I’ve considered what I’m going to say, and move through my day like a bull in a glass house. I really do.
I’ve broken the baby gate at the bottom of our stairs twice now because I come charging down the stairs so fast and ready to get to the next thing, I can’t get the gate open before I go barreling through.
(Drives my introverted husband crazy, by the way.)
(Hi sweetie! Sorry about the gate!)
What about you?
You just might be an extrovert if:
- When you get home from a park date or homeschool co-op, you’re more inclined to tackle something on your to-do list than you are to take a nap.
- When you’re at a meeting, you find you’re often one of the last ones ready to leave.
- People tend to ask you how you get so much done.
None of these is true about me all the time (except for the hands, probably- I just can’t help myself!), but many of them are true about me much of the time.
Introversion or extroversion isn’t an indicator of whether you need time to yourself- we all need that. Rather, it’s a reflection of where you get most of your energy.
I usually don’t feel nearly as revved up and ready to go after spending an hour with a book as I do after having a conversation with a friend (though I will thoroughly enjoy that hour of reading, trust me!).
I’ll be happier on a walk around the neighborhood if I bring a podcast or if I’m chatting with a friend than I will be if I’m spending that time in utter silence.
Likewise, I enjoy writing posts for this blog, but the times I feel most energized are immediately after having an interesting conversation with someone for the podcast.
As an extra-extra-extrovert, I have found stay-at-home motherhood to be difficult in a few particular ways.
I’ve learned some things about myself that have helped me stop fighting against my own natural tendencies and just enjoy stay-at-home motherhood as the extrovert that I undoubtedly am.
Here are a few things the extroverted homeschooling mom should know:
1. You need time alone, too
Many of us with very extroverted tendencies start wondering if we’re really introverts because we crave down time to ourselves. We’re so burned out on people at the end of the day!
Nothing sounds better to me at the end of a long day than a glass of wine, a book, and absolute silence.
That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an introvert. It means you’re human. Meagan Francis and I were discussing this very thing the other day- when you are pouring yourself out for people all day, every day, your natural need is going to be some time to yourself.
Make sure you set aside time for that, or you’re likely to burn out.
2. You need that homeschooling group or co-op
There is a lot of talk among homeschoolers about whether homeschooling groups and co-ops are a good use of time and energy.
Many homeschooling moms find weekly co-op gatherings to be exhausting, and decide that having that whole extra day at home will be more beneficial than the day out of the house.
The year I had Posy, a few of my older, more experienced (introverted!) friends suggested that being a part of a homeschool co-op would be more and more difficult as I had more and more children. I was feeling tapped out and in need of a restructure, so I stepped away from my weekly homeschooling group for a time.
I thought having that extra day at home to attend to our lessons would be a good thing for all of us, would help us make more academic progress, and would give me more energy over the long haul.
Except it didn’t.
I had radically underestimated my own need for the weekly time with friends. I didn’t find having an extra day at home to be rejuvenating at all. I hadn’t realized how much energy I gained from going to our homeschool group meetings, and I really struggled all through that year.
The next year, I had twins.
(Yes, I know.) (True story.)
Seems like that year would be even harder to attend a homeschool group, doesn’t it? But even with all of the packing-up, planning, and get-out-the-door hubub, it’s completely worth trekking to our co-op once a week, even with three toddlers in tow.
My kids need it, I need it, and it’s just an all-around good thing for us.
3. Working outside the home just might be a good idea
For many years, I worked on random evenings and weekends at the local public library. I’ll let you picture that for a minute.
A stay-at-home-mom, starved for time with other adults and always ready to have a long conversation, working in a library. ;)
It worked, though.
The people who work in libraries tend to love reading and thinking, and so they make great conversationalists. I absolutely loved that job. I didn’t find a four-hour evening shift to be nearly as depleting as spending the evening cleaning up the kitchen and playing blocks on the floor with a toddler.
I don’t work at the public library anymore. Now I host a podcast and speak at conferences and retreats in order to feed my need to have interesting conversations with other adults. :)
It works! You may not need to go get a job or grab a mic and launch a podcast, but if you have extroverted tendencies, it’s probably a good idea to build in regular social time.
For extroverts, socializing with other adults isn’t just icing on the cake. It’s part of your meat and potatoes.
4. Silence is a good thing
Yes, it is.
I know that you find it extremely difficult to manage, but you need it, everyone around you needs it, and being an energetic extrovert isn’t a good excuse for letting your prayer life go to pot. (I’m talking to myself here, trust me.)
5. At some point, you have to put a cap on it
I’m all for living authentically and playing into the strengths and tendencies that God has already given you, but do realize, sweet extaverted friend, that you can’t go on every field trip, to every play date, or to many of the events and outings that sound so wonderful to you.
Sometimes you have to tell your friends no because there is math to do and laundry to fold, and besides, not all of your children are as extroverted as you are.
They need more time at home than you do, and part of living out your motherhood well is providing for their needs and dying a little bit to yourself.
Extrovert and everything you say is spot on! Including the introverted husband… oh how do you find that balance?
Thank you for this post. I am definitely extraverted but started wondering if I was changing since I do feel depleted sometimes. But then I think, duh, who wouldn’t be tired after all the things I do in a day. But time spent with friends really energizes me. I could do that all the time. ;-) This post was good for me too because I have realized that one of my children is more introverted, but I didn’t really see if for a long time.
Reading this reminded me of a funny thing I did once. We moved to a new town and I decided that I wanted to find a community of like-minded folks to bond with. I was thinking a lot about mindfulness and meditation, so I eagerly signed up for a 30 day class where we met each day for 45 minutes to chant/meditate. Yep! I would find my clan. We would bond and I’d meet other parents who were interested in being more zen with their children. Well, except for that part where no one talks at all! I expected someone would linger after, but nope–they all ran off to work/school/families. It was a disaster for my extroverted needs! I mean, I *need* to quiet my brain, but I also need to recharge it with people time too!
Just found this post, and it describes me well (except for the not taking a nap part!!)! On personality tests, and in real life, I am an EXTREME extrovert. We homeschool, and I have also found that being part of a flourishing co-op is an absolute necessity for me. While it is true that we must wisely consider our husbands needs when planning family activities, I’ve found that it benefits my introverted husband when I spend time with other moms during the day. That way, he doesn’t have to hear quite so many words when he comes home in the evening!!
It’s so funny you mention the co op thing. I just joined this year for the first time and I am shocked at the difference it has made in my life. I am extrovert through and through and didn’t realize that getting out and being social once a week would energize me so much, despite the extra work of bringing 5 kids somewhere. Great post.
Thank you, thank you so much for this! I am this extroverted mama and I’ve been so discouraged by all the “how to love an introvert” posts out there. I sometimes take them personally, like living in the world of extroverts is too much. And we extroverts can feel like we are “too much” at times for some people. (not sure that made sense) It’s nice to have someone else who gets me!
I have definitely had to “put a cap on things” lately because while I am extroverted, I’m also a highly sensitive person and I can go on overload and then meltdown.
Barge on down those stairs, Sarah, new gates can be bought. ;)
I am also extra-introverted and a stay-at-home homeschooling mother. My husband is introverted and we have juggled, for years, how our social needs can be fulfilled. I love people and tend to fill up every living second with busy stuff; my husband can’t handle all that people time and it has forced me to slow down. I’m thinking everyone has benefitted from that. Thanks for your article!!!! Brigette VH
Oh My, you just described me…are you sure we haven’t already met? or perhaps we are the same person!!!
Thanks for this, while I have slowly worked most of this out already, and have also learned to love being at home with the children, it is wonderful to hear it. Also, I realised that I haven’t had nearly enough time out with my friends lately… I think I need to make a weekly event, which can be hard in the country, without many other home educators around…BUT I will try.
thanks again Sarah <3
Thank you for this post. I am extremely extroverted and my first few years of homeschooling were so difficult because I was trying to find a balance. I have a son who is also extroverted, and spent life in public school until I brought him home in 6th grade. That was a rough year. Our first year of homeschooling and two extroverts were dying for friends. I felt claustrophobic inside by home, and then guilty for this feeling. It took time, but we seem to have found a good niche. I didn’t find a paying job, but I took on the role of coordinator for our high school program at our co-op. We meet every week and that helps us both. We have another smaller group that all uses the same curriculum and so we alternate weeks teaching one morning a week. These things can be time consuming, but the benefits of filling the social void we both felts is a HUGE blessing!
You had me at the part about needing to withdraw for some alone NO TALKING time at the end of the day. “That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an introvert. It means you’re human.” Yup.
I always thought I was an introvert (and I really believe I was, as a teenager), but now that I’m older, I’m becoming more and more like my mother. And I’m totally okay with that! She talked the ear off of anyone who would listen, loved fiercely, told her life story to strangers, and drew her energy from being with other people. She was even sometimes late picking me up from activities because she was talking, er–investing– in people. And I saw that at her funeral, where over 400 people showed up on a Thursday with very little notice, because she loved them well and they loved her.
Now, people ask ME “how do you do it all?” and I still don’t know the answer. I just know I function better when I’m doing things with and for others. I can tell when I don’t talk to people for a few days (except my own little people and maybe my husband if he doesn’t have a meeting) because I start to withdraw even more. So I guess I’m officially an extrovert. I totally have started looking at my calendar trying to pare it down, because my husband has mentioned that I don’t spend enough time at home doing all those things like laundry, etc. And I NEED the homeschool co-op so much (but hate to be stuck in traffic) that I actually created one just a block from my house so I didn’t have to drive 30 minutes each week for my people fix. Your post totally made the pieces fit together. Thanks!
Waving my hands and nodding my head! Extrovert here!! Actually, I spent most my childhood as an introvert. My mom is an extrovert and I honestly don’t think I saw room in the world for another extrovert. I preferred the quiet solitude that my shyness guaranteed. That all changed when my mom enrolled me in Clown School at the age of 14….yes, Clown School. I was homeschooled and like the other homeschool moms of the era(80’s &90’s), my mom was a take life on at 110% and explore it passionately type of a mom! Somehow she knew that Clown School, of all things, would be a catalyst for my own bravery to explore life passionately! Amazingly, it worked and I have never looked back. Total extrovert and now homeschool mom myself! At times, when all I want is a glass of wine and a good book all in complete silence, I have wondered if I am really an introvert after all… Thank you for your beautiful insight on this! Love it!
Here is a prayer that helps a lot of Orthodox Christians like me to see each person sent into our lives as part of God’s will. It asks God to give us wisdom to see each event as part of God’s will, and it asks help in conforming ourselves to God’s will, so we can be at peace with God, our consciences, and with the others we meet. I think it would be helpful to both extroverts and introverts, and here it is in a printable form that looks like it will fit well into a prayer book, journal or bible. Perfect for that quiet time you were talking about. http://stpaisiusmonastery.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Optina-Prayer.pdf
Thank you so much for the link to this wonderful prayer! Printing it out right now.
Yep to the YEP!!! I am working on scheduling more time at home this year even though all my kids love going somewhere. Pretty much every day they get up and ask, “where are we going today?” Or “who are we hanging out with today?” on the off chance that I say nothing or no one they immediately ask to invite someone over (while it is summer). Starting to thing we should start easing back into school year routine asap so fall is not such a shock to our extroverted systems… ;)
I’ve been thinking a lot about this! I’m not technically homeschooling yet, but we’ll be there in a year or two. I’m definitely more extroverted but still since becoming a stay-at-home-mom I have craved alone time. It’s made me wonder if I really am an extrovert!! I’ve been thinking about co-ops, wondering if things like that are worth it when you homeschool. Seems like you loose a bit of control over what your schedule is or what curriculum you want to use or you contribute to it as a parent which might end up making it be more work for you! Anyways, I’m glad to hear how beneficial they have been for you. I know my daughter is social like me and she’ll probably need that time too!
Took the quiz you linked…I’m an ambivert. Which is what I was also going to guess as I AM a Gemini- lol. I don’t put stock in astrology but I DO believe God had me born when she did for a reason….and Geminis, me particularly, tend to have equal intro/extroverted tendencies.
If you think you drive your husband nuts, what about mine?! He never knows WHO he’s going to get. Hahaha!
Cheers to our first year homeschooling. This is going to be an adventure. Which I may or may not be excite about. I can’t tell yet. ;)
Oh and God is a he. Not a she. Typo. There’s that rushing extroverted part just hitting “POST”.
I didn’t know that about Geminis and I’m a Gemini, too! (I was supposed to be born in September, but God had other plans….) Not that astrology is anything. (Like Professor McGonagall said, it is one of the most “imprecise magical arts” -ha!) But this makes so much sense. I’ve always gone back and forth on the whole introvert/extrovert thing. I suppose for folks like us, it must come in seasons. Sometimes you need to be one, sometimes the other.
So interesting to read about another extroverted homeschooling mom. I kind of feel like we are a rarity, since we feel like we’re losing our marbles being stuck at home much of the time! I have four kids seven-and-under, so we’re not doing more school-work than reading, handwriting and basic math, but I already jump at the chance to get out with people as often as possible. I used to love being a waitress in college, when I could interact with a variety of people in a high-energy environment. What I like even more is debate (I’m an ENTP), so I am not sure the ideal out-of-the-home work.
I always think of myself as a total extravert, but when I took the test I came back just slightly extravert. I think my extraversion is intense, but I never care well for my introvert. I LOVE days like today where we read and play uno and talk to no one outside the house. For some reason, whenever we are invited somewhere I say yes, until I can’t stand it anymore. Naturally, it is hard to keep a consistent homeschool schedule when I am jumping at every invitation.
Thank you for this! I am struggling right now as a very extroverted person just starting out on this whole Homeschool Journey — and newly moved to a very small town, no less! I struggle with worry that I won’t have enough friends (or my kids won’t), or that the entire small-town population will label us and I’ll be doomed to live all of my days merely cleaning my house (truth: more likely just wallowing in my filth), and everyone will prove me right about the whole “socialization issue” ;-) I’m craving a community of like-minded homeschooling mamas around me but have struggled to find them so far. In the meantime, I’m grateful for virtual friendships — thanks for the encouragement today!
Christy, That is tough! I am an extrovert too, and know what it is like to move to a new place. I pray that you find friends soon! :) I remember thinking the same thing when we moved to Missouri several years ago, “Will I have any friends.” Don’t worry you will!! I also think its hard because being an adult, you can’t really just go up to people and ask them to be your friend..lol….It does take time! In the mean time, try to get out of your house with the kiddos and go to the library or park. Some towns have library story time, or homeschool library programs where you might met some homeschool moms. I know when we moved, I decided to not to wait around for people to ask me to a playdate or such..(even though I think it is very important that other mom’s try to welcome new moms)..and I just asked other moms that I met at the library after a few times to a playdate or to come over my house. I started to make friends that way! Depending on your kids ages it can be tough to get away from the house with homeschooling..and I do myself need to get better at getting out, but even if I can go to the park once a week or something helps me not go crazy!! Blessings!
Sarah, you were on my mind so much today..so I googled your name!!! I would love to get caught up in a phone call!! Email me! darcymonette@yahoo.com
Super extroverted! And I totally agree with #3( if it is what God is calling you to). I teach bible study at a military academy in the area and boy does that feed my soul even if it is on Monday all mayhem has already happened and my body can’t take it anymore. Getting out with other adults (even if they are 10 years younger) it is amazing what rejuvenation I get from it.
Thanks for sharing this post. Needed it so much right now especially for #4;)
Introvert homeschooling 7 children. :) This means I live in the country, where I can’t see other houses (that was my #1 stipulation for where we lived, hahaha, it’s how I grew up and I knew I’d be most comfortable with that) and I can send my kids outside to play. :)
My children all love to do things and be very social. I’m glad they have opportunities with dad. :) I can pretty much tell if something is going to drain me or not beforehand. ;) Some people do, some people don’t. I think part of it is that I have little people to keep track of, and I just don’t play the “social chit-chat game” very well. It took me years to realize that when people said “We should get together!” It didn’t really MEAN we-should-get-together. :P
For me, I like to hear one thing at a time. So, if there is too much noise I just shut off the podcast/music/audio book as one thing I can control. ;) My children tend to listen to audio books during “quiet time” when they are in their rooms to give me some breathing space, or falling asleep at night.
People do tell me all the time “I don’t know how you do all that you do”. I guess because we have some animals out here? IDK what they are getting at! Whatever it is that they mean, I think I manage BECAUSE I’m home! If I was leaving the house multiple times a week, I wouldn’t do what I do, either. LOL
Three cheers for audiobooks during quiet time! Saves my introverted bacon everyday!
I am an extrovert home schooling mom living in France and I do not speak French very well (just like Barbra manatee:). I have found everything you said Sarah to be very true. I do not have a visa to work so my jobs are volunteering. We even take a tram 50 min each way to go to coop. I need the support and so do my kids.
Homeschooling is legal but not popular nor encouraged. I feel like they are about 25 years behind homeschooling in the US. The French are even translating US websites on homeschooling to get support and ideas. Sarah you have an international audience! Thanks for all you do.
Michelle
I suffer from Seasonal Depression so depending on the time of year, I come across as either Introvert or Extravert. But always a close call. However… Yeah, I definitely talk with my hands all the time and I process my thoughts Out Loud. Drives my husband a bit batty since he’s most definitely an Introvert and doesn’t need that verbal interaction to process emotions and make plans. Our Littles are 2 and under so we’ve still got time to make up our minds about schooling choices. I think my need for adult interaction is one of our biggest concerns about homeschooling. Thank you for sharing how you balanced your personal needs with the needs of your family as homeschoolers. I think a lot of that is applicable even as a stay-at-home mom to very little Littles.
Oh, I am such an extraverted Mama, and I do always need the reminder that I can’t. do. everything. I want to! Oooooh, I want to go to ALL the things! But I can’t. And my kids can’t…especially the ones who need a little more time to veg at home. But I AM cutting a trip to Nebraska short to get back to Colorado to see YOU!!! I might be a little excited. My hands are all over the place.
I just re-read this and re-appreciated it! I agree 100%! I’d love that post about the introverted husband…
As someone who is a fairly midline introvert/extravert, it was neat to read this. I think it can help illuminate things to have positive conversations with pure extraverts. Thanks!
Wow Sarah. Thank you for posting this. This is a light bulb clicking on for me. I hesitated to accept either label, acknowledging that I am energized by social time, yet feel an almost constant craving for quiet, alone time. Many times it comes down to a choice between the two, either attend a social event with the family, or stay back and enjoy blissful silence. I need to find a way to meet both of those needs. Thank you for helping me to see that. :)
I’m not sure what I am. I am typically the last person to leave most events and I get so much encouragement from
Being with other homeschool mom’s. I probably read 10 homeschool articles everyday…in the summer. But at the same time I have no problem staying home 4 days a week and work from home while homeschooling. I admit that I do jabber a lot after a days worth or work and teaching mainly because talking with infants, and 1st graders doesn’t do it for me. So I’m somewhere in the middle? :)
Sarah,
Thank you for this blog. I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned a couple of things, too. Keep up the great work!
Oh, I love that you identified that you and your husband are different. You an extravert and he an introvert. This is the exact situation at our home. I love a busy household with people in and out and activities galore, but when I do, I will see my husband fade away to his barn to be alone. I like that you identified to be mindful of that. I have come to realize that if I want him to be involved in the activities I need to slow things down and make them quiet and calm. It’s good to not be alone in this situation.
Extraverted all the way. I need to listen to podcasts if I want to get the house clean! My mind is constantly reeling with new activities and ideas for our family-thank goodness for the “brain dump” We are the people who have a family or friend over for supper at least once a week…sometimes more. It works, because my husband is as extraverted as myself and we love camaraderie. We don’t do co op anymore-but it didn’t work out so well, because it was an academic one- and I just wanted to spend the whole time talking to other moms. Now we get together with one family we adore and do crafts, book reports, poetry parties, field trips and then there is plenty of time to chat afterwards.
I started my life as a shy child, but something happened around 6th Grade and I blossomed into this complete Extravert! As I look back, I am reminded that I was the pursuer of my husband and “I won”…haha. He, too, is more introverted. We have four beautiful children who I just started homeschooling this year. I had to back out of a few commitments, but realize now that I have to find something else which works for our schedule where I can get around other moms! This post was a refreshing reminder that I need to make sure I am getting my social outlets. Thanks for this post! Even those of us who stumble upon it years later are Blessed by your words!
This is just so good! I am a 35 year old homeschooling mama with 5 kids, every even number from 4-12 years of age. I was homeschooled as well. My mom and my sister (only sibling) are both introverts and I could never understand why we didn’t attend more field trips, special events, etc. My mom just seemed so overwhelmed at the thought. Fast forward 20 years and with my own kids to educate it was a struggle to do it like my mom and my sister (who also classically homeschools her 5 kids sans co-op) But theirs was the only model I had… why was I so miserable?! Blessedly, God led me to Classical Conversations, and I realize now that it was not just academically what we needed, but emotionally what I was in dire need of. Next year I’ll be directing a campus. It’s so awesome how God has enabled our family to homeschool and at the same time developed a career of sorts for me. Thanks for sharing your story!
I am also extraverted to the extreme. I fair much better during the busy sports seasons when the kids have practice or games every night and I get to socialize with the other parents there. I feel so recharged and energized after! It is worth all of the craziness and effort to get everyone fed and out the door on time.
I am wondering, do you feel that social media gives you the same energy or do you need the interaction in person? I am trying to figure out which it is for myself as well…
I need it in the flesh! I still feel isolated when I’m home all day, even if I hop on social media.
A 6th point might be this: Your kids might be more like your introverted spouse than like you! Only one of mine is as interested in doing as I am, and 1 is very much not like me! I had to learn, and it was really hard, to make it possible for my introverted child to have plenty of quiet time at home, too.
I’m an extrovert! My hand talking drives my husband nuts. He just doesn’t understand that I can’t talk without them. Great article!
Definitely an extraverted talker from childhood, raising some little socialites. Feels like I hardly get a word in edgewise, which is probably a good thing. At the end of the day, I NEED absolute silence and a chance to think an uninterrupted thought. Thank you for validating that need. My husband wonders why it takes me so long to get ready for bed. I’m not getting ready! I’m decompressing! During the day, however, it would be really nice to have a homeschool group or an outside job… But I have no idea where to turn for that. Not much happening around here in that department. Every door I try seems to be closed…
Extravert for sure! Although I can totally relate to looking forward to bedtime, a glass of wine, and a good book.
The “a” is correct in adjectival form only. The noun form is extrovert.
It is quite timely to read this post. I recently joined the Co-Op in our area (and yes, I am a HUGE extra/evert). Here’s the best part: my three older children are in classes all morning, and I have two other children who are two young to be in a class. So how this co-op works is that which ever moms have children in the nursery, they have to be in the nursery with their children (moms who don’t are spread around in other areas of the co-op). So guess who gets to basically have a playdate and spend time with my littles while my big kids get their co-op experience? THIS EXTRAVERT!! Oh, and this co-op has a full pot of coffee all morning long too!
I’m right on the line between extravert and introvert. Half of the tests I take label me one, and half the other. Most people think I’m an extravert because I’m talkative and have a huge base of friends, but I recharge with quiet and alone time and I love me some silence. I absolutely love our co-op group and am looking forward to starting tomorrow; I’ve missed everyone over the summer. But after a long day at our community, I will be ready for some silence at home.
Thank you for mentioning husbands and children that may not be extroverts. So true! My husband says to me (sometimes too often)…”I just can’t keep up with you.” We have to consider and be sensitive to the needs and personalities of our families. Thank you for that reminder. It is comforting to know others have similar dynamics in their families :)
Love your blog and what you are doing! Thx!
Wow! I could have written this post exactly (although not nearly as eloquently as you). Thank you for putting into words thoughts and feelings that I had all jumbled up inside this crazy head of mine. It feels calming and reassuring to hear them from someone else!
Many blessings!
At the beginning of this journey, I believed myself to be an extrovert. Now, I have swung over to a more centralized position. I need people, but my husband, my almost grown kids, and my church seem to be enough most days. Yet I know that my church is a huge part of our lives. For years, we went almost every day for a committee, event, meeting, or class. Without that outlet, I would have probably given up. Now, at the very end and looking back, I see things in my kids that none of our friends’ kids possess in just this combination. They’re special, and I’m so glad for the time spent on them.
I’m an introvert with extroverted feeling. Everything on ur list and that is said sounds exactly like me. I’m an INFJ which means even though I am introverted I need people to make me feel energized. I love people and going places and will sign up for or be at almost anything to be with them. Even if it’s in 5 mins! But at the end of the day I need peace and quite, a good book and maybe a glass of wine.
I am extroverted. I definitely get motivated after talking with fellow homeschoolers but I also realize the need for peace and quiet. I have to tell myself constantly that I can’t do all the field trips and park days although a lot of that is because I work full time second shift outside the home and homeschool my kids in the mornings. However, I need that time to talk to other homeschool moms as I don’t have much in common with my co-workers.
Up until I read this article I couldn’t figure out which I was. Thought maybe I was split down the middle. Now I think I lean towards an extrovert.
Hugely introverted! But a chatty introvert with those who know me. :-) I am also mom to one of the most extraverted little people on the planet. It has taken a lot for me to homeschool him and be able to meet all of his social interaction needs. Thankfully we have a great co-op and a wonderful little group of friends who also homeschool. I consider them part of God’s mercies to me because they make getting out for field trips and the like much easier!
Hm. I’m a social introvert – I LOVE talking to people, hearing their stories and learning more about them. But it EXHAUSTS me and I crave time to myself to read, journal or simply stare out the window with my cup of coffee in complete silence. I also happen to be married to the most extroverted man I’ve ever met … and we have a 2 year old who is the most extroverted chold I’ve ever (and I’ve nanniesd and babysat a LOT of kids!). We also have a 2 month old now, and we open our home to family and friends often as part of our hospitality. Translation: our home is busy, loud and always on the go.
As part of our parenting, we’ve been looking at homeschooling because we’re very distrustful of the public schools in our area (and in general – we each have a parent who has taught in public schools for decades and hates the politics they have to put up with to do so), but we don’t know that we can afford Christian school tuition for all of our kids. One of my main concerns has been how to balance being present with my kids ALL DAY (as opposed to getting the “break” that parents do when their kids attend school outside the home) and make sure they’re getting practice in social settings without wanting to pull all of my hair out and snap. I find it interesting that extroverts would find homeschooling a challenge for them, too.
I know part of the deal will be training my kids to study and/or play independently, even from a young age, so that I can have a breather in the middle of the day. And even with a newborn, I’m deciding more and more that getting up for the day rather early after putting a kiddo back down rather than catching a few more zzz’s is worth the time alone so I’m not super frazzled. There’s always extra caffeine to be had to compensate for lack of sleep, right? :)
Any other introverts out there find good ways of balancing your kids’ needs for instruction and interaction with your own needs for deep conversation and downtime while homeschooling?
I require a two hour “rest” time during the day. My 7 year old plays or reads in his room. I now have an almost 1 year old so that two hour stretch is no longer as sacred as it once was, but it is necessary for me. We also live in a neighborhood where the children play outside together often and parents sort of rotate keeping an eye on everyone, so that is helpful. I find homeschooling matches my introverted nature well actually.
I like not having to be out and about every day to pick up, drop off, bring snacks, room mom duties, etc. :-) I can cancel certain things if our week has been busy or reschedule if we need to. :-)
Yah, I found the comment box this time! I am most definitely an extrovert and my husband is not. At. All. He would probably be perfectly if he were literally the last person on the earth. Lol
We haven’t been able to join a co-op as of yet and I thought about getting a part-time job, but I think that wouldn’t work at this time. So I have started inviting the ladies I know from church out for coffee and am going to be starting up with some “coffee dates” soon :) I’m hopeful I will make some great friendships that way because it is hard to get to know one another when you only ever visit in a group situation!
Total and complete extravert. So completely extraverted that before I was a mom (the BK days…Before Kids), I was a morning radio personality. Talk about LIFE CHANGE when I became a stay at home mom! Phew. I was ready to pull my hair out. I used to take my two oldest to the grocery store, hoping that someone…anyone (!!!) would stop me in the isle and talk to me about how cute my boys were. No joke.
That was 10 years ago. I’ve been homeschooling for five years now and I must, must, must have time with adults and friends. We have a co op, I get out for ballet lessons and piano lessons and soccer. I’m one of those moms that stays at the soccer field to talk to other moms during practice even though my kids are old enough to stay there alone.
I act before I think, I talk too much, reveal too much too quickly, accidentally knock into people….yep, I’m a total bull in a china shop. I’m a Yankee living in the south and I stand out like a sore thumb. Thankfully my other homeschooling friends find my antics entertaining (at least that’s what they tell me). :) And I have five kids who are also extraverts, along with a St. Bernard and a Great Dane mix. What can I say? I like to live big. And fast. And loud. :)
Hmmm. Sounds to me like you need to start a podcast. :)
I’m completely split. Right down the middle. In fact our marriage counselor couldn’t believe it. I tend to think of myself as introverted however. But I know I can be extroverted in certain situations
I came across the following post, and I thought you might find it interesting, especially because of your #1 above:
http://simplehomeschool.net/highly-sensitive-parent/
Apparently, “about 30% of HSPs are extroverts”. (So sensory input can still be draining to extroverts.)
I hadn’t heard of the term “highly sensitive person” before, but it sure explains a few things about me and my homeschool! I canNOT handle two people talking to me at the same time, and I cannot easily do two things at the same time. It’s nice to know, when I am overwhelmed, that possibly there is a name for it and a reason.
Thank you so much for this post. The majority of my many friends are lovely introverted folks and I was almost starting to feel like there was something wrong with me. I feel like this spoke right at me, and it was great to laugh too :)
So very true! This post has me rethinking my weekly schedule and wondering if I need to be even more intentional about making sure this mamma gets in enough social interaction. Sundays we have always have potluck at Church, so I get filled up good, but I’m usually “starving” by Tuesday or Wednesday! Three days is truly my limit.
Also, I need to start podcasting. ASAP. But I’m learning that evening is not the best time to record. Last time I was interviewed on a podcast it was 9pm and I was WIRED when we were finished! lol I love this insight into how podcasting has been something that helps you thrive as an extravert ed homeschool mamma.
I am an INFJ. Just a thought regarding #3, working outside the home …
Extra/introversion aside, I think for us homeschoolers it’s important to discern our charisms — those God-given gifts that energize us when we use/share them — and then prayerfully consider if a job outside the home that taps into those charisms might be a good fit. For me, I think outside work is the missing link right now. I’m not sure what that “work” looks like, but finding something that allows me to recharge and energize may help with some of the ongoing restlessness I’m feeling. This is an area I’ve been in prayer about for some time.
I couldn’t agree more, Lisa!
This is such a great post! I’m definitely an extravert and I totally get this post. Being a stay at home mom was super hard for me in large part because I was no longer social (I went from being in college to birthing twins to 6 weeks later moving across the country where I didn’t know anyone). It was rough. I was so lonely! I needed friends! We just moved again, and I am missing my weekly playgroup a lot! Especially as we’re homeschooling for preschool this year. Not really sure what to do, other than organize it all myself.
Although I have never really thought about how social interactions give me energy, but you are so right! After get togethers I am usually fired up, and ready to work on something!
Excellent reminder for this homeschooling extraverted Mama. I never thought I would be a stay at home Mama since I LOVED being a classroom teacher (being outside the home). I never thought I would be a homeschool Mama since I LOVED alone time and silence! Never say never. I do need the reminder to put a cap on it. When I had one school day with no groups or co-ops to go to, I created my own homeschool playdate. So, 5 days a week we are out and about with other homeschool families. At some point, I do need to put a cap on it to meet the needs of 2 of my introverted children. They don’t complain, but they don’t complain when a group is canceled for that day :)
Introverted all the way. However, I do crave social interactions with other mom friends from time to time so I suppose I do have a dash of extroverted tendencies for balance. But it’s more like days of time by myself and a sprinkling of time with my extroverted friends. I’ve two girls who are exhibiting extroverted tendencies though. My one daughter started counting down the hours until her first gymnastic class and my other daughter started wearing her party dress 3 days before the event – she’s 3. In the meantime I was calculating if I had enough time left in the evening to enjoy a glass of wine in quiet solitude. :)
I do participate in a couple of co-ops because my kids like them. I treasure the weeks we don’t have them though.
Sarah! I can totally relate to you! Thank you for this.
The tips were very helpful to me. It is so easy for us to keep going on a relational high and then crash and burn.
The ever so elusive balance…
Last year I had a baby (at 40) so I thought of quitting our coop for our 2 older girls. A couple good friends who know me well talked me into continuing. I’m so glad!!!!!
Fellowship with other moms is such a powerful blessing!
So grateful!
110% introvert here! My biggest challenge in homeschooling is meeting my need for depth in friendships. All the homeschooling events tend to be large group/ small talk park meet-ups, field trips, and co-ops, which are exhausting to me even if I enjoy them! I’m not sure if I am getting more introverted as I get older. I think instead I know myself better and now I can anticipate the “pay off” if we go to that park day or field trip. When I was younger I’d just go and then be surprised that I was so grumpy afterwards even though I had a good time!
It was easier for me as a stay-at-home mom prior to homeschooling because we could do whole morning play dates with one other mom and kids, and that kind of interaction I really enjoy. Now I can still do that, but it’s just a bit more complicated.
Hi Everyone,
Could someone help me out here, please? How do you know for certain whether you are an introvert or extrovert? I find the Meyers/ Briggs test fascinating and have come up as an extrovert , but I still feel like I’m the opposite. I Have 9 children, so I’m constantly around noise…I relish the quiet moments, like when my sweet husband takes the kids to the park/store, wherever—he’s great with that….anyway, I feel like amongst my friends, I’m the one that usually gets the ball rolling for playdates . In a crowd, I usually go up and introduce myself, but is that something I have slowly trained myself to do—overcome my inner shyness? I truly feel like most people I know are introverts. I’ve heard that your true temperament is often the one you were as a child. I’d describe myself as a shy, but sociable child who got very frustrated when her introverted mother would not go hang outside sipping iced tea with the other moms on the block [we lived on a Navy base–so while hubbies were away at sea or wherever, thats my memory of the other moms outside] …my mom would be inside cleaning the house from top to bottom , usually.
Sorry for the ramblings…trying to collect my thoughts while kids getting up ..
Thanks!
Here’s a good, super-short but pretty accurate quiz:
http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/about-the-book/quiet-quiz-are-you-an-introvert/
Thankyou…took the test twice and….oh my goodness..I am an introvert. I guess I’m just not as introverted as some others I know.
This is interesting. I think I’m pretty much right on the border on interovert/extravert with more of a tendency towards being extraverted. My happiest weeks are the ones where we have something going on outside the house almost every day.
Right now, due to our (lack of) financies I’m in a season of life where we stay home more and it is hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. We do belong to a coop and go to free art classes at the library. Occasionally we go on field trips (the free ones) or take part in homeschool group activites, but in a typical week we stay home 3-4 days/week. I’d much prefer to be running around everywhere, but that just isn’t possible for us right now. I guess on the plus side, we are getting LOTS of schoolwork done!
Ps I have found Carole Tuttle’s types an incredible insight on the personality types that I have been reading about for years. My mum and I both understand ourselves and each other so much better after reading about them on dressingyourtruth.com. It’s focused on whether u meet the world socially, intellectually, emotionally or physically. Her website thechildwhisperer.com has helped me hugely to understand my children and to be able to recognise and address their needs. I would have considered myself a personality expert before (understanding how people work is one if my passions) but Carole’s stuff takes things to a whole new level!!!
Extrovert mama here!!! I too crave alone time., my favourite way to recharge is to arrange to meet a friend for a coffee and to get there am hour early so I have some silent thinking/writing/planning time as well as the buzz of friend time.
Whoops …..
And in true extraverted form, I pushed send before I was done.
I have two sweet introverted friends who wonder aloud how I’m able to juggle working outside the home, all these littles, a bazillion extracurricular activities without pulling my hair out.
But, extraverts know that it’s just so hard to say no. I live in an area with SO MANY things to do …… I have to sit on my hands not to say YES to everything.
WHOOO WHEEE!
#1 hit me like a ton of bricks —
YES!
I was concerned (bad choice of words) because as I get older, or perhaps it’s as I have more children, I HAVE to have time alone, and quiet, or I’ll collapse in a heap.
It’s one of the reasons I took up running — to have time alone, to get inside of my own head.
You knocked this solid gold post out of the park, my extraverted friend!
Oh thank you for this! This is my first year homeschooling after 4 years as a DRE – was home with baby N from 0-2 yrs old while I finished a bitty bit of grad school, and it was HARD. Though a big part of that was adjusting to motherhood, it is a big adjustment to be with the kiddos all the time, though i know it was and is what i most deeply want and what will ultimately be best for us. However, if I ignore my own needs and wiring, (i.e., this LIST!), it will NOT be best for any of us – it will be ugly. These are really affirming and important points – especially #5 in the mix too. I think I know a lot of introverts so it was nice and reassuring to read your thoughts. :)
Yes, extravert here. I’ve learned I do need some quiet time most days, and outings leave me physically tired, but emotionally recharged. Too long to reflect and I get the blues and start feeling overwhelmed. My one child, Little Man, is as extroverted as I am, but has yet to learn that he, too, needs some quiet time and some down time. He has learned to take ‘afternoon rest time’ with grace, but it was a fight to get here, he doesn’t like the quiet time all that much.
I am an introvert, melancholic/choleric split. I dislike big groups and large gatherings, and find they drain me if I have to meet them as a whole. Small talk kills me, yet I start up many conversations at stores and out in public with perfect strangers. Perhaps it’s the trapped feeling at a function when I know I *must* socialize. For me it’s really hard to break the ice.
But I do love to have conversations with like-minded people. The conversations energize me, but I also require some down time to percolate all the discussions.
I do less with our homeschool group lately, but I think it’s because my heart problems physically drain me so I’m just not up for too much physical and social interactions.
The talking with hands is not an extroverted tendency–for me it’s totally genetic! My whole family does this, and we are all various levels of introversion and extroversion. We aren’t Italian, but my grandmother said it was our French with a touch of Spanish heritage, even though we have other ethnicities in the mix. ;-)
I am an introvert, but I have 10 kids! I have been homeschooling for 17 years and have never been in a co-op. It would be too much stress for me. I love my family but I need quiet time. I usually spend time alone in my room during nap/rest time , and I need some down time in the evenings. I have had to learn to have down time with teens and their friends around though. I have lots of young ones still, but I also have teens to babysit so I can go out with my husband once or twice a week. That time with him has been great. I push myself to spend time with my kids when I might rather be alone and never regret that!
Really appreciated your comment, Juli. I have always wondered if an introverted mom could have a large family. Perhaps bigger families are able to meet the needs of extroverted kids within family relationships?? I only have 4 that are still pretty young, but we have entered the season of kids activities, which means my husband is coaching/teaching everything, which means I have a LONG day schooling all the way through bedtime a few days a week. My olders (8 and 6) beg for time with people and activities, and we just haven’t struck a balance. And, I’ve just given up my quiet work time during rest time to tackle some of our school since the while the Littles are napping. It’s exhausting me. Love to hear other moms that have found a way to make it work.
This was such a helpful read! I am an extreme introvert, but my oldest daughter is an extravert. We strive every week to find a balance that’s healthy for both of us.
I, too, am an extra-extra-extravert and I LOVED this post!! Is it just me or are the majority of bloggers introverts? Maybe just the ones that I read?? Which is totally not a bad thing, of course! It’s just nice to “meet” one that isn’t. :)
These are great tips. I really like what you said about extraverts still needing alone time–that being with people is just how we recharge. I knew about the recharging thing, but I hadn’t thought about the fact or admitted that YES! I do need some alone time, too! I find that rule to be *more* true with the more children I have. ;o)
I also have to fight the tendency to be gone all of the time. Of course, with more kiddos, I’m sort of forced to be home-bound more. But I still will just get the urge to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE often and I’ll have to remind myself that that might not be the wisest choice.
Great, great post.
They are! All of them! That really baffles me, except that a few of my introverted friends tell me it’s because socializing is less draining when it’s typed out behind a screen. That must be why I like the mic and headset better than my keyboard. :)
I just subscribed to your blog. Extraverts need to stick together, you know. :P
Hi, Sarah. I’ve never commented before but love your blog. I, too, am a mom of young twins (17 months old) and three other young children aged 2 through 5. I find myself in the terrible position of being an extrovert with social anxiety issues. I get a lot of energy talking with people, but I spend so much time afterward obsessing about whether I stuck my foot in my mouth or came off like a jerk that I tend to avoid social situations. I know practice makes perfect, but sometimes it just seems easier to stay at home and not risk the psychological exhaustion of it all. But your advice on working outside the home may be just the ticket to get my toe dipped in the social pool, and I have indeed considered looking for a weekend job after baby #6 is born in January. Thanks for the post and the insight!
Oh! You have your hands more full than I do! You need a 12-year-old! :) I’m trying to imagine chasing these twins with only small children to help me. Ay yi yi.
I overthink, too. I think I’ve gotten better at it, but it’s really debilitating when I let myself get going. It can suck the joy right out of all the social bliss that hanging out with other people is. I wonder if we could find a prayer or something that would help with this. Then, when our mind starts to obsess over a recent conversation, we could recite the prayer instead….
I overthink too. It is exhausting. I think that this is what makes me question the whole “extrovert” label for myself. I love people but sometimes if a lot of words fly and conversation wasn’t really held captive I will come home so drained and can continue to be drained by the interaction for as long as let myself worry about it. I also have to take deep breaths and really pull myself together to go into new social situations. I think meeting new people is terrifying but I can’t help it. I just do meet new people. I’ve moved many times and have lived in 13 different cities. With that level of change you learn to get over it and just do it but I don’t think it is easy for anyone. Awhile back after a move I was talking on the phone to a close friend about thinking I finally was having more discretion and self control in conversation and she laughed and said “not talking to people isn’t having discretion.” I have taken this to heart. I’m going to sin and being known is really super hard but it’s worth it. Have you ever listened to the ted talk on vulnerability? It is super interesting and challenging. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
Thanks for the link, Lauren! It sounds like you might really like Mystie Winckler’s work on personality types: https://www.simplifiedorganization.com/2017/to-do-list-personality/
It’s so funny; I’m undoubtedly an introvert, but with extraverted tendencies. I may very well be an ambivert. I fit the mold of introvert quite well as far as being quiet, tending to listen more/talk less, uneasy at large social gatherings, prefer to observe before I participate. But many of the things you mentioned fit me quite well: being more revved up after a conversation with a friend than reading, or after going for a walk with a podcast than silence. I also enjoy spending hours and hours with friends each week, but I’m too scared to join the local homeschool co-op because I’m new and I don’t know anyone (there’s the downside of introversion!). I have actually considered if getting a job outside the home would help me recharge and refresh, giving me more energy to direct toward my children and homeschooling (and the $ would be nice, too!). The library sounds like a dream job, Lol!
Perhaps I’m an introvert who just has a higher need for stimulation than others?
I enjoyed your post. It provides some good food for thought.
Okay, so that’s super interesting! I’m always really excited to meet large groups of people I don’t know. Isn’t that so weird? It really is. At least I realize it’s weird. :P Whenever we move to a new town, the one thing I’m most excited to do is make new friends. Andy will tell me, while visiting the grocery store or going to the library when we first get to a new town, “you don’t have to make friends TODAY. You could wait till we live here a week.” Ha! :)
The job at the library really was blissful. It was just the right combination of interesting, stimulating, and quiet to make me a happy girl after spending the long days with my three little ones.
Well, you must be quite unusual to not be intimidated by large groups! But you have quite a gift there, as people like you are who make getting comfortable in a new setting possible for people like me! It’s so nice when joining a new group for the first time, to have someone who is just super-friendly and easy-going like that, take you by the hand and walk you through meeting the rest of the group.
And that is too funny about your husband’s warning, NOT to try to make friends too hastily! My husband is an extravert, so I always kind of hide behind him if we’re together in new social situations. I’m always telling him, “you should go talk to that person, I’d really like to meet them.” (But I’m too chicken to break the ice myself, lol) It’s so interesting hearing what it’s like from the other perspective!
wow! That describes me to a tee! I really don’t like going to new social situations with people I don’t know- I have to take a deep breath and make myself do it when it involves my kids. I hate joining a new group- not super fond of belonging to groups at all, actually. I pep talk myself into and enjoy myself, usually, but I dread it nonetheless.
But I NEED my people- my friends I adore, adult conversation, my sisters. My husband is gone a lot for work, and I play podcast after podcast when the kids are occupied, or I’m on the phone all day (I have to watch myself on that).
I am a complete introvert. No co-ops for us, thank you! We gear up on the weekends for music, hockey, and church, but the rest of the week is pretty quiet. I’m always glad when Monday arrives. It’s interesting to read about homeschooling from a different, more extraverted perspective.
On the flip side, introverts (like me), need their people-time too. (And by people, I mean someone who can carry on a rational conversation that doesn’t revolve around poop, snot, and sibling quarrels.) Being a stay-at-home mom 24/7 means that I neither get much alone time, nor much conversation if I don’t schedule it in. I go back and forth on the co-op dilemma. Will it drain me more than it fills the need for conversation with other adults? It all depends on the week. :)
Good point!
Ah, I am RIGHT in the middle. Honestly, it depends on my day and mood as to what those personality quizzes will tell me on a given take. Sometimes groups give me energy and sometimes they drain…maybe it depends on who I’m with ;) I find the four temperaments idea much more easier to understand and use.
Do you feel like a more extraverted mother can gain that energy from being with her kids? Or is it more relevant to social group and friendships? Just curious…it’s something I’ve been thinking on lately.
And I learned something new…I always thought it was extrovert with an o!
I first spelled it with an o. Then I changed it to an a. Then I looked it up (and asked Mystie, my Myer-Briggs junkie friend) and found that you can use either, so I left it. :)
I don’t think my need for social interaction is met by my kids. Maybe in small part, but in large part- no. I’m just now realizing that. I think it’s important to know, especially when, as an extraverted mama of 6 home with her kids all day, I can often feel depleted on a day we’re just hanging out with ourselves.
As for temperaments, I would peg you as…. melancholic? Is that right?
Melancholic-Choleric, split right down the middle :) So basically a grump who wants to rule the world ;)
Ha! :)
I could have written this myself. I am right in the middle, too. I
I am a serious introvert and it has seemed to have gotten worse the older that I have become. I do crave conversation with other adults, though, but it needs to be deep conversation. Shallow, surface talk does me in. When I can talk on a deep level with a few adults then I am good to go for a few days. I don’t get this very often, though.
We are in season of life right now where busyness is the look of our days. We are out of the house every day of the week and it is killing me and has negatively effected our homeschool. I intentionally planned our days this way knowing that it was only for a few months and then we could hibernate for the winter months. I did this to cater to the extrovert nature of some of my kids but it is killing me (I said that already, didn’t I?) and I am yearning for the end of Nov. It is really hard to balance introvert and extrovert natures within the family dynamic.
It’s good you know that about yourself, though! I’ll be praying that you are sustained this next month. I think I can understand insofar as my time at home without much social interaction at all was especially difficult for me. Different issue, same kind of angst.
I’m right on the borderline of introvert/extrovert, but I find myself becoming more introverted as I get older. I like to talk with people I know, but I absolutely hate large crowds, ie carnivals, parades, concerts.
Introverted and it is driving my extroverted teens crazy! I’m an introverted hermit with lots of kids to be exact and I find myself getting worse (?) as I get older. We do not belong to any homeschool groups because it would take too much out of me–physical time, emotional time, mental energy–and I would not be able to do what I needed to do. Staying home though does not mean I get it all done either though, lol! I do enjoy visiting with friends, but only a few close ones and I do enjoy getting out, but only when I feel like getting out and then I need some down time to regroup and reorganize myself mentally and emotionally.
Ooh. I bet introversion does make having extraverted teens fairly difficult and exhausting. I hadn’t thought of that. I probably drove my own mom nuts! :)
Extroverted all the way! You said “Sometimes you have to tell your friends no because there is math to do and laundry to fold, and besides, not all of your children are as extraverted as you are. They need more time at home than you do, and part of living out your motherhood well is providing for their needs and dying a little bit to yourself.” -Amen Sister! Thank you for this much needed post.
I would have guessed you’re an extravert! :)